Sometimes I am in awe of the opportunities that I have as a plus size blogger. Often times, I have to pinch myself and ask ‘is this really happening?’Â And when Sonny of Qwear asked me to be a part of a queer/ trans lingerie shoot with Bluestockings Boutique, I knew I had to figure out a way to be there.
It turns out that figuring how to be there was no easy feat. The shoot was in New York on the same day I already had an obligation in Pittsburgh and it was only a few days after I returned from another trip. I decided that I was going to drive to New York and be there for less than 24 hours to do this shoot. I was in the car for a total of 14 hours in two days. If that all sounds wild to you, let me explain why being a part of this shoot was so important to me.
I used to feel unworthy of love and as a result, I often found myself doing what others expected or wanted of me. I felt like love was something I had to earn. This meant I put others’ needs first and I didn’t even understand that I could possibly have needs of my own. This left me feeling very invisible. I spent a lot of years looking for love in the wrong places and shaming myself when it didn’t work out. I was very into the idea of being someone’s girlfriend because I thought that title would make me more worthy of love. This idea that being someone’s lover is a validation of your worth is totally false. I see that now.
Learning to love my body and coming out as queer have been two of the most defining experiences of my life. Being in the place where I am now with my queer fat identity has been a process and it’s one that will continue. I learn more about myself everyday. I give myself the space to dig deeper, ask questions and find the answers in a way that I never thought I could.
When Sonny of Qwear asked me to be a part of the shoot, I knew what it would represent for me: a celebration of the visibility and comfort in my own identity that I have worked so hard to discover. I wanted to participate in challenging the male gaze and the hypersexualization of fat bodies. My body is mine and no one else is entitled to it because they find it appealing or appalling. As Rupi from Qwear writes, “This lingerie shoot conquers overpowering mainstream fashion norms as it turns us away from the male gaze and towards a revolutionary examination of queer fashion assembled at the intersection of race, gender, and body size.”
On top of this being a queer/trans inclusive shoot, it was in lingerie which has also been deeply tied to past shame and trauma for me. IÂ did my first and the words I wrote then still ring true: “I no longer look at lingerie (or love, for that matter) as something that’s for ‘everyone but me.’Â I had to learn that I can be sexy and still keep my humanity. I had to learn that I am not defined by my experiences. It’s been an emotional journey to self love, but it’s something that I make sure I work at every day because I realize that the most important relationship I’ll ever have is with myself.”
Although I have mostly conquered my fear of lingerie and am now regularly photographed in my underwear, there was still something very significant for me about doing a shoot with a group of other models. Wearing lingerie when you exist outside of the beauty norm is very vulnerable. In fact, it’s still pretty radical.
Being around this group of models made me feel so comfortable. We shared makeup, we danced to Rihanna and we laughed, a lot. I not only felt accepted, I felt at home. As someone who has struggled feeling queer enough, this was a new feeling for me. Much credit goes to Sonny from Qwear and Jeanna from Bluestockings Boutique for bringing together such an amazing group of people.
Check out the credits below and make sure you check out the full shoot on Qwear! And shop all of these looks from Bluestockings Boutique!
Jeanna Kadlec, Bluestockings Boutique
Sonny Oram,
PHOTOGRAPHY:Â
Debbie Jean-Lemonte,Â
MODELS:
TJ, @nyquilminajj (Tumblr)
Mx Pris Matic, @ (Instagram)
Brie (she/they pronouns)
Alysse Dalessandro,Â
Nyala Sheila
Ariel Mahler,  (Instagram)
SPACE:
Maggie Gillette ofÂ